


The Pain Keeps Us Going

by MitchExplores



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:21:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23559046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MitchExplores/pseuds/MitchExplores
Summary: While investigating the death of fourteen-year-old Blake, Spencer and Derek meet the victim's older sister, who seems to strike something inside the boy genius.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 7





	The Pain Keeps Us Going

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote these ages ago, way before Maeve or Max. It was supposed to be an introduction for a multi-chapter piece which is about halfway done, but I don't know if I'll ever finish it.   
> So for now, this will remain a one-shot.  
> Unbetaed. English is not my native language.

„Looks like he was a really tidy young boy”, concluded Derek, when he opened a Dresser and found pairs of socks accurately arranged next to each other inside.  
„Yeah, or his mom did the job.”, answered Spencer, who was going through Blake's desk drawers.  
„Which type were you?”, Derek asked.  
„Definitely Hotel Mama. Left my books and science projects lying all over for her to pick up. At least until she was too sick to care anymore. You?”  
„Nope. My Mom would have unleashed hell on me if I'd asked her to clean my room.”  
„So, you were always a tidy one?”  
Derek laughed.  
„No. I just didn't care until I noticed I didn't have any clean shirts left.”  
„Ah. And by then the empty KFC-boxes probably piled up in the corner, right?”  
„What do you think of me?” Spencer glanced over to Derek who returned the look. „It was McDonald's.”  
Spencer started laughing along with Derek while continuing to search the boy's bedroom.  
As he turned, still laughing, he stopped dead. In the doorway stood Carris, staring at them. He coughed slightly and shared an awkward glance with Derek. People always felt offended and were left speechless when they discovered that the agents didn't share the same traumatising grief for their family members or friends.  
„I...apologize”, he said, looking at Carris. Her face blank, she shook her head and took a few steps into the room.  
„No, it's fine. I understand. In your job you have to distance yourself from the pain, else you'll go insane with all the sick crazy.”  
Surprised Spencer lifted his eyebrows.  
„Yeah, that's...that's right. But still, we shouldn't have-”  
„Frankly, I don't care, what anyone thinks”, Carris interrupted him, inspecting a red, dusty model aircraft with her slender fingers. „I don't give a damn what you or the neighbours or the media or anybody else thinks.” She turned looking straight at Spencer. „The only thing I care about is that my brother is gone. He's gone. And he won't be coming back.” Spencer could see the tears behind her eyes, the tears she wouldn't let fall. He could see the person behind the masquerade she put on for her parents, the one of the independent, strong young woman. But in reality, she just wanted to break down and cry and weep and scream until the hurt and anguish vanished. Which he very well knew, would never happen. „I wish, I could distance myself from all this, but I can't. And I wouldn't. Because right now, this pain is what keeps me going. This rage inside me, this anger? It pushes me. It pushes me to the point of numbness. And it will keep me sane until I can look this man in the eyes and ask him why. Why did an innocent, fourteen-year-old boy have to suffer like this? And then I wanna tell him to rot in hell. I wanna tell him that I hope, he suffers a thousand times worse than my brother did because of him. That's all I wanna do. So, like I said: I don't care. I understand why you do this, how you keep the nightmares away. Just do what you have to do. Just, please, promise me one thing: That you will find this guy. That you will find him alive, so I can finally admit the pain and get it over with.”  
Carris didn't break the eye contact with Spencer, and Spencer didn't dare looking away either. Then he stepped toward her, so close that their toes were almost touching in his Converse and her pink socks. Then he lifted his left hand - the one not covered with a glove-and gently rested it on the place where her shoulder and neck connected and looked down into her deep blue eyes, knowing fully well, that he was about to break one of the biggest rules of their job.  
„I promise”, he whispered.

Spencer looked around while Curtis was being shoved into the police car. He discovered Carris standing by the fence, a wide shawl wrapped around her torso looking at the car door Curtis had just disappeared behind. He slowly walked over to her but she didn’t take her eyes from the car.  
“How did you get here?”, he asked. Not accusingly or outrageous... simply curious.  
“I just got to the station when the call came in. I made them take me with them.”  
“They just allowed you?” She finally looked at him with a small smile.  
“Perks of having the superintendent as your godfather. Not without precautions though.”, she added and lifted the shawl to show him the bullet proof vest she was wearing underneath. “Is the boy okay?”  
“As okay as he can be, all things considered. He seemed quite resilient. He’s still inside being treated by the medics. “  
She nodded and kept silent for a while.  
“Why did he do it, Spencer?”, she asked after a while. “How could he - how could anyone - hurt innocent little boys intentionally? What kind of evil person would you have to be?”  
Spencer chose his words carefully. It was a question each and every member of his team was confronted with on each and every one of their cases. And everybody had to find their own answer. He didn’t want to make her upset - well, more upset- but he also didn’t want to make anything up. So, at his next words he paid close attention to her reactions.  
“I... do not believe that every person we arrest is... in the deepest part of his soul...truly evil. To be honest... the least of them really are. Most of them are... really, really sick. And somehow... in a very twisted kind of way... each of them - each of us - has a justification for their actions that - at least momentarily - rings as the deepest truth to them.”   
Spencer studied her face but she just looked impassive with a distant gaze in her eyes, seeming to evaluate his words.   
“Carris, I’m sorry”, he quickly said. “I didn’t mean to...”  
“No, it’s fine”, she interrupted him quietly. “At least now I know that this world is not as evil as it seems to be on the surface in times like this. Maybe they really don’t do it for evil’s sake.”  
She lifted her blue eyes to his face.   
“You’ll be leaving now, won’t you?”  
Maybe he was just imagining it, but Spencer thought she looked a little disappointed.  
“There’s still a little paperwork to be done, but I guess in the morning we’ll be gone.”  
He wasn’t imagining it: The smile she graced him with really was of the sad kind.  
“Well, then I guess this is goodbye.” She held her hand out to him. It took him a while to take it and lightly squeeze it.  
“Goodbye, Carris” He tried to put everything he wanted to tell her into those two words. How brave and strong she was. How much he admired how she selflessly put her own needs behind those of her parents. How intelligent and smart and caring he thought she was, and how much he wanted to see her again. But he didn’t say any of those things. Because he was an FBI agent who’d investigated her little brother’s murder and who’d arrested the man who was responsible for said crime and because of all those things... Because she would never be free of the horrible things she’d experienced - of Blake’s death - if he stayed in her life. So, he just shook her hand, looked at her one last time before he turned around and walked away from her.   
All those things went through his mind while walking toward the black FBI car he’d come in.   
And still he found himself whirling around.  
“You know”, he said just loud enough for her to hear him. “D.C. is just about an hour’s ride from Spring Hills. It’s not that far.”  
He held his breath while he waited for her reaction and only let it out when a smile - small, but happy this time, nonetheless - spread across her face.  
“You’re right. It’s not that far.”


End file.
